Too Much in the Sun
by Adelia Dark
Summary: Maurauder Era.  Remus wants Sirius out of his life for good, or so he thinks. Will he ever be able to figure out what he really wants to do with Sirius?  RLSB w00t.


Title: Too Much in the Sun

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: slashy slash slash

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to some British lady, i.e. not me.

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All of my fics must derive their title from Hamlet. Apparently. At least all the ones in this little 'series'. This, by the way, is the prequel to To Be. Either that or it's just a cute little SBRL get-together fic. There shall probably be a few more chappies in this one.

Please please review?

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Sirius stared exhaustedly at the dying, dusty embers in the fireplace, their faint glow barely noticeable in the early morning light. Suddenly, a noise came from the portrait-hole entrance. His heart began to pound. This was what he'd been up all night waiting for, at James's command. 'You damn well better be up and ready to grovel at his feet when he comes back.' Bah. Selectively apologise, maybe. But grovel? Definitely not. He very much did not want to be there, and very much did not want to do and say what he was about to have to.

"Hey," Sirius's voice was small, his eyes downcast.

Remus said nothing as he limped into the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Remus, wait." Sirius sat up, perched on the edge of the red, squishy sofa.

He staggered straight past Sirius, his eyes set on the spiral staircase that led to the Sixth Years' dormitory.

"Remus!" Sirius stood up.

"What?" Remus jerked around, his eyes blazing.

"I—We need to talk..." Oh, horrible words!

Remus thought for a moment before replying, his tone cutting, "No. We don't."

"Remus, please..."

"No!" He gave a short, biting laugh, "We really don't." He turned back around and resumed his limping.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" Sirius started over toward him.

Remus paused for a moment, seeming to struggle to hold back his response.

"Just," Sirius stepped in front of him, "please, hear me out." Sirius tentatively touched his hand to Remus's shoulder, steering him back toward their usual chairs by the fireplace. He was somewhat surprised when Remus consented.

Once they reached the couch, Remus sat down, crossing his arms. He looked up at Sirius, the fierce spark in his eyes revealing the feelings he was trying to hard to contain. "Well?"

"Okay..." Sirius remained standing in front of him. "I'm sorry."

"You already said that," he spoke shortly.

"Well, what else is there?"

Obviously, that wasn't what Remus had expected him to say. He laughed again, "I can't believe you..."

"What?" Sirius exclaimed defensively.

Remus shook his head. "You do realise how serious what you did was, don't you?"

"I—yeah. And I'm sorry."

"What if I'd bitten him? Or worse, killed him?"

"Look, I'm sorry for what I did to you—but," Sirius furrowed his brow, looking away, "but he deserved it! I mean, for months now, he's been nosing around about you! And then, last month, he told Snell he saw us all sneaking out—"

"And I told you to just let it go."

"I know, but he's just been looking for something to get us in trouble!"

"His figuring out I'm a werewolf wasn't going to get _you_ in any trouble."

Sirius sank down next to Remus, resting his chin in his hands, his elbows propped on his knees.

"But, oh well. He knows now. I suppose you saved him a lot of guesswork, in the end—"

"I said I was sorry," Sirius said agitatedly.

Remus was silent for a moment before laughing darkly. "He's going to tell. I just know it."

Sirius sighed.

"Then everyone's—"

"I'm sorry, okay? It was stupid and I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."

Remus surveyed him, his brow furrowed. "It—You don't get it, do you? I—This may have been just a stupid mistake for you, but for me, it's life and death. You know? There's a reason why Dumbledore and everyone's worked so hard to keep it a secret, especially from people like Severus. I mean, he could write home and tell his parents and just like that I'd be—I'd be... who knows where? They could—"

"I get it, Remus. I get the point."

Remus stared at him in a mixture of disgust and dumbfoundedness. His heart was throbbing painfully. He wasn't quite sure how to react to Sirius's stubbornness. "O—Okay..."

There was a long, awkward silence, during which, Sirius stared hard at the dimly smoldering coals in the fireplace. Remus stared down at his knees, absently picking at a scabbing scratch on the back of his hand.

Finally, Sirius spoke, his voice quiet, "Sorry."

"What?"

"Sorry for being so stupid..."

Remus sighed.

"I'll make it up to you."

"How?"

"I don't know. I just—I'm really sorry. I'll find some way."

Remus still stared down at his hands. "You know... I was thinking, just now," he smiled, speaking slowly, "that I really, really wish there were some way that I'd never have to see you or think about you again."

Sirius sat perfectly still, showing no outward sign of reaction.

Remus gave a short, silent laugh, leaning back against the couch.

Sirius remained hunched over, staring at his feet. "I kind of thought we'd always be friends..."

Remus sighed again.

Sirius's chin twitched into an involuntary frown.

"Me too." He bit his bottom lip. "But I didn't think you'd ever do something like this..."

Sirius sat frozen for a long while, desperately trying to think of something to say.

Remus sat up straight, perched on the end of the sofa. His voice was thin, his eyes set on the floor rather than on Sirius. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed." He stood up.

"Wait."

Remus turned to face him, taking in a deep, unsteady breath.

"What's going to happen?"

"What do you mean?" He sounded calm. "I don't—"

"With us… Are we still friends?"

Remus turned his back to Sirius, smushing his face with his hand. "I don't know…"

Sirius stood up. "Remus…"

"What? I don't know!" His voice suddenly sounded raw, unrestrained. "I don't know! I don't want to have to think about this right now!" He crossed his arms tightly, uneasily shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

After a few moments, Sirius spoke softly, "So, what happens tomorrow?"

Remus drew in a deep, hissing breath, "I really can't talk about this!"

"Are you just going to ignore me?"

"I don't know—"

Sirius barely gave him time to answer. "—What about James and Peter?"

"—I don't know—"

"—What are they going to do?"

"—I don't—"

"—How are they going to pick sides?"

"I don't know! Stop it!"

"You can't just pretend I'm not there—"

"—I hate you!"

Sirius hesitated, looking very hurt for a split second before he replied confidently, "No you don't."

Remus was barely aware as his tightly clenched fist struck Sirius's chest.

Sirius was thrown off balance, but managed to catch himself. Before he had time to think, Remus had hit him again. Then again, and again. Sirius shrank away as he grabbed at Remus's wrists. For a moment, Remus tried to continue hitting him, but once he realized that he was being successfully restrained, he twisted round, trying to wrestle his way out of Sirius's grip. However, the more he tried to pull away, the tighter Sirius held onto him.

Finally, Remus seemed to give up. He stared hard down at the floor, trying to make himself stop frowning. His shoulders rose and fell with each quick, shallow breath.

Sirius kept his grip on Remus's wrists, looking imploringly at his downcast face.

Remus tried weakly to pull his arms away. "Let me go," he whispered to his feet.

Sirius tightened his hold, taking a small step closer.

"Let go," he repeated, making a sudden, forceful attempt to wrench himself free.

Sirius yanked Remus close to him, releasing his wrists only to pull him into a violent embrace.

Remus found himself automatically clutching onto Sirius, burying his head against his shoulder. Suddenly, it seemed that all the energy Remus had, barely a moment ago, put into trying to get away from Sirius was now being used to hold him as tightly as he could. He took a few shuddering breaths before whispering against Sirius's neck. "I hate you."

Sirius held him closer, his fingers digging into Remus's back. He shut his eyes tightly.

They stood perfectly still for a minute, desperately clutching onto each other as if their lives depended on it.

It was Sirius that pulled away first. He loosened his grip just enough so that he could look Remus in the eye.

Remus followed suit, looking up to meet Sirius's eyes for the first time that dawn.

Sirius thought that Remus almost looked frightened. He actually found this rather comforting, as he, himself, seemed to be feeling something close to fright. But it wasn't fright, exactly, and it definitely wasn't the same anxiety he'd felt during the preceding confrontation. He couldn't tell what it was; just that it was something he'd certainly never felt so strongly before. Apprehension, maybe? A kind of nervous, scared excitement, perhaps. It wasn't necessarily bad, just… different. And more thrilling than was comfortable. Sirius's eyes searched Remus's.

It suddenly occurred to Remus that their faces were awkwardly close. Closer than was probably necessary. Most certainly closer than was appropriate. Another thought popped into his head: how was this even possible? Only a few minutes ago, he'd been completely prepared to shut Sirius out of his life forever, but now… What was it? Last night had provided him with many, many things to think and worry and fret about, but why wasn't he? Why was he only concerned about how very close Sirius was, and how penetrating and invasive his stare was? Only a few hours ago, he'd really come very close to losing everything and it was all Sirius's fault. Sirius had betrayed him. So why was he still holding him? It all seemed very wrong. Hitting him and saying he hated him seemed much more appropriate. He did hate him, though. He ought to. The heaviness in his chest and the overwhelming quantity of emotion that was flowing through him felt strong enough to be something like hatred. What else could it have been? He felt that he ought to break the intense gaze between them. It was confusing him, making him think things that didn't make sense. He shut his eyes.

Sirius suddenly found himself in a state of panic. The nervous excitement in him had been multiplied a thousand times over and was now filling him so completely that he thought he might burst. He felt his face flush. Oh god. Oh god. Remus. His face seemed to draw itself closer to Remus's of its own free will. He tried to stop it. He tried to stop his eyes from softly falling closed. He tried, desperately hoping that Remus's eyes would snap open, that he'd jerk away, that this wouldn't be happening.

Remus couldn't tell whether his heart had started pounding furiously or stopped completely. This wasn't right. At all. He felt Sirius's soft breath on his lips. He felt his own breath quaver. He frightfully wanted to open his eyes, to see just how close Sirius's lips were to his. It felt like it couldn't have been more than a few centimeters. His eyes wouldn't open. His face wouldn't pull itself away. This was preposterous. It was completely insane. Sirius betrayed him. He felt his hands press against Sirius's back, painfully aware of the consequences. He felt Sirius's breath start to come just as raggedly as his own. He couldn't stop it.

He couldn't say who it was that ventured the dreadfully short distance. It may have been both. It just kind of happened, and they were both powerless to stop it. Sirius felt Remus's bottom lip barely brush his. Or maybe it was his that brushed Remus's. Their lips brushed again, hardly touching. It was the most intense sensation he'd ever felt. Oh god. He wanted to want to stop. But… Why? He felt himself shake as their lips barely met in the lightest of kisses.

This was entirely wrong. Remus felt his lips seek out Sirius's again. They met a bit more surely, lingered a bit longer. He shouldn't be enjoying this. Not after what happened last night. Slowly, one kiss began to melt into the next. Regardless of last night. This shouldn't happen at all. Ever. Their kisses weren't so tentative anymore.

Somehow, Sirius's hand had moved to the back of Remus's neck, and somehow, he had pressed him closer, and somehow, that had deepened their kiss. He felt his tongue subtly graze Remus's bottom lip.

He abruptly pulled away, not meeting Remus's eyes.

Remus ripped his arms away from Sirius, taking a step backwards.

Sirius looked up, their eyes meeting for a split-second. He quickly looked back down. "Err…That…"

Remus smiled nervously, looking a bit to the left of Sirius. "…Yeah…"

"We didn't just…" Sirius shrugged dismissively. "It was just…just…"

"An accident," Remus finished for him.

"Yeah. And… and it didn't… We were just…"

"Just… caught up in the moment."

"Yeah. Just strong feelings… or something."

"Misidentification… I… It was just confusing is all."

"Yeah."

"I mean, I was… so mad at you, and then you…" he trailed off, hoping that Sirius would finish the explanation.

He merely nodded.

"… and we were just... awkwardly close." He gave a short, apprehensive laugh. "And I… mistook being mad for… for something else."

"Yeah," he nodded again. "I—I think maybe we should… not talk about this… or something…"

"Right," Remus nodded his agreement before realising that he hadn't quite understood. "What? Now?"

"—No… Later."

"Oh. Right."

They stood in blasphemously awkward silence for a moment.

"But, like you said," Sirius looked up at him again, "it was just an accident."

"Yeah."

"Doesn't mean anything."

Remus shook his head in eager agreement, "No."

Sirius's hands fumbled around in his pockets.

"Err… I guess I'm going to go to sleep now. People should be up soon…"

"Okay… "

Remus began limping toward the spiral staircase.

"Wait…"

"What?"

"I--…" Sirius cut himself off, his brow furrowed. "Nothing." He shook his head slightly. "Never mind."

"Okay… I guess… I guess I'll see you after classes, then…"

"Yeah."

"You'll… you will bring me my assignments, won't you? James and Peter," he added in as an afterthought. He didn't want it to seem like he wanted only Sirius to come. "Them, too?"

"Yeah," Sirius looked down at the top of the couch, scratching at a threadbare spot. "We always do."

"I know, but—I dunno. See you…" he paused to search for the right word, "…later."

"See you later."

Sirius watched him stagger up the staircase and out of sight. He flopped down on the sofa, heaving a great sigh as he stared straight ahead. Selectively apologise… Oh god. What had he got himself into?

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Please R&R! 


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